Control

As anyone who knows me will verify, I'm a bit of a control freak. My control freakery was never an innate trait in me. It resulted from a crappy controlling relationship and is responsible for my fear of flying and general tendency towards anxiety when I feel I don't have a handle on something. It can be a good thing (saves a fortune on workmen's bills when I deem it neccessary to undertake any task myself), but other times it's not so good, and now is one of those times.

Right now the list of things I don't feel I have control over is pretty exhaustive:

1. My work
Now you already know about my boss and the hassle that he's causing me on a day to day basis. Realising that this is pretty damaging to my sanity I'm trying my best to be proactive on this one and am MAKING PLANS. These include working on my small business, doing some freelance work for some contacts and looking for a new (and part-time) job. Unfortunately that precious commodity called time makes all of these far harder than I would like, and the employment market we're currently witnessing certainly isn't helping but I can see a little glimmer at the end of the tunnel which I'm trying my best to focus on.

2. My home
Back in November the building next door to ours suffered a major fire and was completely gutted. At the time we were lucky enough to escape with nothing more than some water damage from the 14 (!) fire engines which were hosing the fire down for around 7 hours, but since then a catalogue of errors, mismanagement, lies and potential insurance fraud by our freeholder have left us out of pocket, ill and generally living in chaos. Up until April the remains of the building next door were left completely open to the elements while the various agencies in charge of them argued amongst themselves. This resulted in a wall the entire length of our flat suffering severe weather damage and going through decorative phases including wet look (sodden), textured (orange mould), and distressed (brown and flaky). Whilst the owners next door have now got their act together we've moved on to our next battle with our freeholder who is scrimping and trying to avoid carrying out repairs he has already claimed for on our buildings insurance. So basically we've been living in substandard accomodation for nine months now and paying through the nose (London property doesn't come cheap) for the priveledge. I am so utterly exhausted by this battle and the constant mess that surrounds us that it no longer feels like home, and that's sad.

3. My finances
Various events over the past couple of years, all of which are completely and utterly beyond my control (theft of our car & subsequent ripping off by our insurers, our freeholder being a money grabbing bastard, the general collapse of the global economy - that sort of thing) have meant that like most of you out there, my bank account is feeling more than a little sorry for itself. As a compulsive saver who is terrified of debt the fact that I've not only dipped into my overdraft but pretty much lived in it of late. Needless to say this has contributed a fair amount to the old tightness around the chest.

4. My relationship
Now let me just state that my relationship is brilliant and the only thing that keeps me sane amongst all the other craziness. But there's one big thing that's making me freak out: why does the man get to be the one in control of moving things forward (by which I mean proposing)? I'm generally pretty secure in myself and I know for a fact that we have a damn good relationship - better than at least 99% of couples out there, but in moments of weakness and anxiety I really wish that I could be in the driving seat on this one!

So overall, I'm pretty out of control at the moment. Any tips you've all got on fending off the crazy and regaining a grip on things would be most welcome!